reflections on macrodosing

My first experiences with psilocybin were in my teens. I would eat between 4-9 caps and stems, not weighing anything out. Back then it was foraged species that grew on the Washington coast- like psilocybe azurescens and cyanescens. I have fond memories of staring at grass and seeing it grow, euphoria and laugher, making weird and intuitive art, laying in a field and feeling my body was connected to and communicating with trees. There was that one time that I had a “bad trip” due to an emotional situation involving an ex. Oh, and the laser dome Nirvana show that I spent a better part of throwing up. (As time went on I learned about the importance of set and setting).

I becaem re-interested in mushrooms as I got older, and found a source for psilocybe cubensis. My partner and I had a trip on our honeymoon, laying on a beach being fascinated by fire embers. I ate some during the day we went inside of the Devil’s Punchbowl (coastal rock and tide pool area) and fell in love all over again with geology.

I’d never thought of them as anything more than recreational fun.

But then, I found myself at a low point. Covid shutdowns had begun, I was having a terrible situation at work that was unresolved, and overall really questioning my path forward. I was trying to look forward to a weekend camping, aiming to set my stress aside. I started eating shrooms in the afternoon and throughout the day and night, just kept eating more. All in all, I likely consumed more than 6 grams that day, but spaced out it wasn’t all at once.

At first, I had concerns about my partner enjoying his trip, and the sense of worry was messing up my “fun time”. Eventually, I felt like we were telepathically communicating and I was absorbing his troubles. I laid by the fire, questioning so many things. I was aware of a comfort that came about. A sense that everything would be ok, a deep relaxation, a realization that I’ve ALWAYS questioned my path, always had the same types of problems I was facing, that this was nothing new. I felt all my worries start to feel meaningless, my thoughts were so trivial. I felt so small in the universe, but also, so much a part of it. I felt lucky to be able to exist in that moment. Grateful. That I had the choice of giving in to the bad feelings, or learning how to overcome, and that it was truly a choice, not a pre-destined way of operating. This experience alone took my everyday anxiety from a 6 or 7 to maybe a 1. Afterwards I felt reset, able to continue with a more positive outlook. I have not re-visited as large of a dose since then, haven’t felt called to do so.

Mushrooms have given me the confidence, courage, and will to continue further down the path of advocating for psychedelics. I was at a point where I felt as nothing was working out, I needed a pivotal change that would benefit myself, and others. I’ve learned it can be incredibly rewarding to feel as if you’re helping others, and gives me a sense of purpose in my life that not many other things do. I’ve spent time volunteering in ways to help end the war on drugs, and look forward to the future of more of society embracing natural medicine.

If I had to speculate or take an educated guess, I think psilocybin works by allowing our brains to move from our defaulted thoughts, and instead be open to other ways of looking at things. The ability to process trauma, accept situations we cannot control, accept the loss of control, and rid ourselves of sometimes untruths we tell ourselves about things, all stand as reasons psychedelic medicine has so much potential to bring wonderful and lasting repair for mental health.